Why I Hate Warren Ellis

Ok, so here's the deal. I loved Desolation Jones and would gladly give up my left ball to have a new issue any time soon. The problem with that, besides the fact I'm attached to my left ball, is that Warren Ellis is a fucking douche bag.

Maybe I should back up a little.

About six months ago I picked up the latest issue of Desolation Jones from the comic book store. This issue was the beginning of a second arc and I was eager to purchase it. A month passes and I'm back at my crack house/comic shop and all I see for sale is the month old issue I've already purchased. Not one to overreact I just assume that the series puts out new issues every other month. That's fine. It's a good comic and Ellis is a busy guy what with that whole paying the bills and writing everything under the sun thing he has going on.

So I wait. Next month I go in and still no Desolation Jones. In an attempt to see if maybe I was early or possibly late in getting the next/last issue I go up to my hallowed comic monger and ask "So is the new Desolation Jones out?"

The rotund comic keeper replies "No, not yet and I don't know when the new one is due out but it should be soon, that issue on the shelves is old."

Agreed. It was old. Two months old now. Not one to lose all hope at the first sign of resistance I have since gone back to my Ye Olde Comic Shoppe once a month to no avail each and every time. At this point they know me. I come in, look at the stacks, pick my prizes, saddle up the register and the first thing I can see is the "I have no idea about Desolation Jones, please stop asking me, give up already" look. I ask anyway and get the aforementioned response.

Maybe the publisher decided to drop the comic because it wasn't getting good reviews. Maybe Ellis is too busy with the big titles he is doing for the big names, the cash cows that pay the rent and buy his weight in caffeine and deep-fried (the two major food groups). Those are the things I told myself.

Well, the first isn't true: the series got great reviews and had a lot of good press from everyone; sales were solid and fans were happy. Now the second I could believe true. In fact, I did believe that to be the case. I feverishly believed that was the case... until last week.

Happily I went to the comic shop, money in hand, dreams in my soulless heart, looking for my fix of four colors. Greedily did I paw through the stacks of pulp papers, dejected once again that Desolation Jones, while still on the shelves, has yet to receive a new issue. That's when IT happened, that definable moment where in my mind IT was solidified. Warren Ellis is a fucking douche bag.

Those wonderful folks at Avatar brought this revelation to me in the form of not one but two new comics by none other that Warren Ellis: Doctor Sleepless and Black Summer.

That mother fucker. All this time he could have been working on Desolation Jones and he's out there being so fucking ADD that he starts two new series. He didn't even have the courtesy of just canceling Desolation Jones. I feel like the wife he has been cheating on over and over again with different women, always expecting him to come back to me and promise never to stray. All I end up getting is a burning sensation when I pee and a wicked case of the clap.

Just in case you didn't get the point of this post Warren Ellis is a fucking douche bag.

Oh, and keep a lookout for my reviews of both Doctor Sleepless and Black Summer.