Battle Pope #12

Story: Robert Kirkman
Art: Tony Moore
Colorist: Val Staples

We all have our dirty little secrets. Maybe it’s the office supplies you can’t help but steal, maybe the constant consumption of grocery store produce before you make it to the register so you don’t have to pay for it, maybe it’s the dead bodies buried beneath your concrete floor in that basement apartment you rent. Its those “victimless crimes” we all do that we don’t let anyone know about for no particular reason other than we know that they are wrong, just not that wrong. That’s what Battle Pope is for me.

That’s not to say that Battle Pope is a bad comic, it’s just not supposed to be anything more than it appears to be. There are no deep hidden meanings to what is written, no larger than life moral lesson being taught here. No, if I had to give anyone advice before reading an issue of Battle Pope it would be to either turn the part of their brain that does the thinking off or get drunk first. Guess which one I prefer. And I’m ok with that lack of substance in a comic. It just reminds me that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and not a big brown smokey cock that people like to suck on. Comics were started to be fun for kids, not huge literary genres that change the way people view the coming zombie apocalypse or the god of dreams, but I’m ok with that too. I just like seeing someone firmly slap readers in the face and yell “STOP THINKING SO GOD DAMNED MUCH!” But that’s only cause I want to do that on a daily bases to everyone I meet.

Speaking of everyone you meet, who knew that the pope was such a horny old goat? At least in this incarnation. Fucks anything with two legs that lacks a Y chromosome. That and he likes to blow stuff up. But I’m getting ahead of myself, some back story is necessary. So one day God gets up and looks at His Daily Planner and sees circled in red “RAPTURE TODAY” and has to get His tired ass out of bed to call up the worthy souls into heaven. Problem is that only about 3 people are worthy. God gets pissed, and not like some-one-took-the-last-beer-from-the-fridge pissed, no, more like stubbed-His-toe-getting-up-from-the-couch-that-some-one-
burnt-cigarettes-into-while-drunk-tripped-over-the-rug-smacks-His-head-
against-a-cabinet-in-the-kitchen-that-was-left-open-only-to-find-that-
someone-drank-the-last-fucking-beer-without-asking-or-replacing-it pissed. Yeah, that pissed. So God throws up His hands and says fuck it I’m done, you are all on your own. That lets the devil and demons from Hell out to run the face of the earth, but they end up being basically just like people: Some are just annoying, some are just a little bad, others are just pricks. But that leaves all of humanity without any real direction and no one cares if demons are ruining everything. So the old Pontiff gets off his sorry ass and gets to fighting crime with his new side kick Jesus, who acts like a kid with down syndrome most of the time, like a hippy with some serious herb, like a frat boy with some serious herb, like a trust fund kid with no interest in earning a living. What I’m getting at is he is basically useless, though funny at times.

Anyway, so this particular issue has the Pope running around like he usually does, with no plan and no real care that he has no plan. Meanwhile Jesus and Santa Claus are trying to pull their weight by fighting crime. Yeah you read that correctly, pick up Battle Pope #11 if you want to find out about the Santa part. Anyway, they suck at it. Fighting just isn’t their thing. When the Pope finds out about their stunt he goes and does his thing to get them out of trouble but ends up being attacked by a small demon with a giant robotic suit who has a grudge against the Pope because he slipped the pickle to a female demon that the short one is jonesing over. The end is great but all I will say is that the Pope made God mad by sleeping with Jesus’ Mom at Christmas. Trouble ensues.

The artwork here is fantastic. All the characters are fleshed out in ink and pencil that makes them seem a lot more believable than most of your spandex wearing capes: The villains seem larger than life, God is awe inspiring, Jesus drools. Backgrounds aren’t ignored to make the main characters seem more life like either, Each one is meticulously drawn and all lend a sense of reality to each panel, from the diner the Pope frequents to the evil lab the short demon uses. Everything drawn is solid and plays nicely with the loose story. Most importantly the artist remembers what he is drawing and that he doesn’t have to take everything so damned seriously.

Battle Pope is a solid comic overall, no mistakes as far as I can see so I have to give this comic a Voltron: Nothing bad to see here dear reader, save for your pestering faces and the smell of dead bodies stinking up my apartment.

RHD